Losing A Loved One To a Chronic Illness and Handling Grief

We have all been there. We see a post or get a call, and the floor drops out from under us. We don't know what to do or what to say because we have just been told that one of our loved ones has passed away, without rhyme or reason, due to complications from a chronic illness. How do you handle that? It seems like it goes beyond the regular grieving process because you watched this person suffer and wrestle with a chronic illness for a long time before they passed. You get angry because people make off hand comments that they knew this person was going to die because they were so ill, yet the last time you talked to your loved one, they were fine. So, how do you deal with the news, knowing that you will never get to have another conversation? Knowing what you do about their illness?

With Gastroparesis, it can be a lot more sneaky. I mean, most people seem fine on the outside but are suffering immensely behind the scenes. If you want to know more about how people with Gastroparesis live and what they suffer from, I have great resources in my blog. But this article, this is to honor those fallen GP Warriors, those who have given their lives to fight for a cure for Gastroparesis. We will never forget them and we will keep them alive in our hearts and our memories, and keep them alive in our fight. So, again, how do you deal with the loss? Based on my personal experiences, I'm going to share some things that really help me when I lose a loved one, especially really good friends, to an invisible illness.

I have another article with the stages of grief in it, entitled, "The Grieving Process for a Chronic Illness, and How to Overcome It" that you can find by clicking here: http://www.emilysstomach.com/2014/02/the-grieving-process-for-chronic.html. This will tell you about the stages of grief. I recommend reading it so that you can prepare yourself and to know how grief effects people.

The only logical answer I can give you is that there is no way to get over a loss. You can move past it, but you never truly get over losing a loved one, especially to a chronic illness.

Lean on support groups, with other people who have gone what you are going through, to help you through this difficult time. I recommend that highly, because people are social animals, and it helps to have empathy and people on your side with what you're going through. I started a Facebook Group, Grief Group for GPers, for those who have lost loved ones to Gastroparesis and who want to talk about it. We ask that everything posted in the group, stays in the group, due to family privacy matters. We also have an album of loved ones who have passed that we keep updated, so that we never forget why we are fighting and who we are fighting for, when we fight for things like awareness, research, and a cure for Gastroparesis. The group can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/groups/gpgriefgroup/.

Joining a support group can definitely help, but I also recommend writing. Writing helps me a lot. When I'm able to get out all of my feelings onto a laptop or a piece of paper, I feel purged and a lot better. You can tear up the paper afterwards or delete a word document, if you don't want anyone else to stumble across it but it helps to get your feelings out. I write this blog to help me deal with even having an invisible illness and most days, it helps me keep my sanity. You don't have to start a blog, but keeping a notebook will help. Like I said, you don't have to keep your feelings once you've written them down. You can throw them away, tear them up, do whatever you like to the page(s) that you write. I like to keep mine to reflect back on how I was feeling and how far I've come since that point. I have a journal that I write in and carry around with me, in addition to this blog.

Lean on your friends. I know this seems like a no-brainer, but your friends are there to support you and help you. Invite them over to your house (I don't know about you, but it's hard for me to go out since I suffer from nausea and vomiting a lot due to GP, gastroparesis, but everyone's GP is different) and put on a movie that you all love, play a game, board or video, and talk. It helps having a distraction and your friends will be there for you. You can tell them about your loved one, relive memories, and honor them in your own way. It helps, at times like these, to have friends you can depend on to make you feel better and the interaction will really help, especially if you've been keeping yourself in isolation.

And the last thing that I would recommend, especially if you can't go to the funeral, is to have your own ceremony. I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. You can do something simple and personal, between you and the loved one you lost. I take flowers, they can be hand picked or bought at a store, and I sit in the backyard. I place them at the edge of the yard, and I talk to my loved one that I've lost. I tell them how I feel, and you can do this in your head if you want to, especially if there are people outside. The important thing is to let out any pent up tears and feelings. Talk to the person you lost like they were there with you, next to you. Lay down the flowers and have your own moment. You don't need a funeral to let them know how you feel. I know I have a hard time going places because I vomit quite a lot, and I am always nauseated. Being in a car exacerbates that feeling, because I get motion sick, so I have my own ceremony, in my backyard. I know this sounds odd, but it really helps me. It helps me say goodbye and saying goodbye, in your own way, is very important. It's important that you let go. You can do whatever makes you feel comfortable, this is just my own little ritual I want to share with you to give you an idea of the things you can do. This is just very personal for me, and this is something I've never told anyone. A good friend of mine, whom I lost, once told me that she didn't want to die because of the suffering she would cause to the people left behind. I still think about that and she's been gone for twenty years.

We have lost five people so far, just this month, from complications due to Gastroparesis. It breaks my heart and saddens me...but it also gives me purpose. I want to continue fighting for those people whom we've lost, and I want to do it to keep them alive. One day, we will find a cure. But, for right now, I have high hopes for more awareness and research. I actually met a lady at the dentist who knew all about Gastroparesis, and I didn't have to explain it to her. She had read about it somewhere. It's going to happen. It may be slow, but awareness is taking shape, and hopefully, research and a cure aren't far behind it.

May our loved ones walk among the stars and be proud of us for carrying on and fighting for Gastroparesis.

My friend shared this article with me and I wanted to post it here, because it is amazing and I think it would help with the grief.

According to Funnyshare.com (http://beautythings.info/2017/09/24/when-asked-for-advice-on-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-old-man-gave-the-most-incredible-reply/),

"When Asked for Advice on How to Deal with Grief, This Old Man Gave the Most Incredible Reply.

Someone on reddit wrote the following heartfelt plea online:

'My friend just died. I don’t know what to do.'

Many people responded with words of encouragement, but one response in particular, by an older gentlemen, really stood out from the rest…

Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to 'not matter.' I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love.

So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out.

But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

I do not have the source for this, but it does help me in times of grief:

Image Source: taken from Imgur

According to www.Churchill.com,

"Introduction - As much as we don’t like to think about it, death is a part of life. While it’s not a nice thought, there’s nothing we can do to stop those we love from passing away when the time comes. It’s understandable to feel sad and even helpless when this happens, but the pain will become easier to cope with over time.

Common feelings after a death

People go through various stages of grief when they’re coming to terms with a death. These five stages have been studied for years:

1. Denial. By denying the death has happened, it prevents the person from being overwhelmed by grief. It’s normal to feel numb, wondering how life can go on. It can be hard to accept what’s happened.

1. Anger. Being easily irritated is a normal response to the loss of someone close to you. You might feel like snapping at people, even if it’s unlike you.

1. Bargaining. While we feel helpless, it’s natural for thoughts to turn to what could’ve been done differently. For example, being nicer to the person or getting medical help earlier.

1. Depression. When our thoughts return to the present, it often leads to another level of sadness. At this point, it’s normal for a person to struggle most with the loss.

1. Acceptance. You’re not okay with what’s happened, but you’ve reached a point where you can get on with your life without it having too much of an impact day-to-day.

Understanding the common stages of grief can help a person be better prepared, but everyone grieves differently. There’s no right or wrong amount of time to be upset about losing someone, so let things progress naturally.

The biological process of grief 

Your body responds when you’re grieving. Once grief has triggered a response, you’re likely to experience a number of side effects, including:

• Boosted adrenaline. Our brain triggers the fight or flight response, leading to a faster heartbeat and additional release of adrenaline. You might feel on high alert.

• Exhaustion. Often caused by a lack of sleep, grief can lead to insomnia and depression – leaving you drained of energy and motivation.

• Digestion problems. Issues with your digestion can be common when experiencing sadness.

If you lose someone close to you, be prepared for short-term changes to your health. It’s normal to feel the effects on your body. Staying active and eating well can help.

Daily life when you’re grieving 

How to maintain your regular lifestyle
The impact a death will have on your life is significant. But there are ways to cope with a loss, including:

• Create a routine. Having a routine in place can help keep you balanced. A structure will give you a solid foundation to rebuild from, at a time when you’re struggling to find your feet.

• Talk to loved ones. Open up to the people closest to you. You’ll be sharing a lot of the same feelings and talking about them is an important part of grieving.

• Encourage yourself to participate. It’s natural to withdraw from life when you’re under stress. If you find yourself feeling this way, take small steps to do the things that usually make you happy.

Helping children cope with a death 

The loss of a loved one can be especially hard on children, because it’s probably the first time they’ve experienced these feelings. You’ll play a large part in helping them deal with their grief.

• Use clear and honest words. Be as clear as possible when speaking to a child. They’re probably struggling to understand what’s happening, so being open will help them process what’s going on.

• Listen to their concerns and questions. Make sure you answer any questions they have, and let the child know it’s perfectly normal to feel the way they do.

• Explain funerals. There’s a good chance a child won’t know what a funeral is. If you want them to go, give them a description of why it happens, and what to expect on the day.

• Help them remember the person. Talking about memories of a lost loved one can be helpful to children. This positive energy is therapeutic and may help them battle through the worst of what they’re experiencing.

• Do things to keep their minds active. Keep a child happy and distracted with activities such as family days out. Sitting inside for too long won’t help anyone.

Helping adults around you to grieve 

It’s not only children who grieve. You might want to help a partner, friend or family member who’s experiencing this kind of pain. Some of the best methods include:

• Listening to them. Don’t presume the grieving person would want to be treated the same way you would. Just having someone to listen to them can help. You don’t always have to give advice or have a solution.

• Talk about the person who’s passed. Sometimes people feel as though mentioning the deceased will be upsetting. But somebody who’s grieving might want to talk about their loved one, so give them time to bring it up.

• Reaching out. Don’t wait for someone to ask you for help. While you don’t want to be pushy, it’s nice to make sure a person knows you’re there if needed.

• Point them towards professional help. If they’re struggling to come to terms with their loss, you can suggest they seek professional help.

Getting help with grief 

Finding the support and care you need at this distressing time can make a huge difference. 

Getting emotional support from those around you 

During difficult times, we rely on those closest to us for support. But we’ve got to want their help, so bear in mind these points:

• Share your issues. Make sure people around you know if you’re struggling. There’s a better chance they’ll be able to help if they know what’s up.

• Say yes to help. If someone reaches out to offer you advice, be open to their support. A heart-to-heart can make a difference. It’s worth getting a range of support too, from friends and professionals.

It can be uncomfortable to open up about your issues, but it’s important to separate yourself from those doubts to get the help you need.

Taking steps to help with your own emotional health 

Looking after your emotional health and well-being is always important, especially when you’re suffering a loss.

• Stay physically active. Exercising has been shown to have a positive impact on not only your body, but also your mind. Depression and anxiety can improve when you’re active.

• Take up a hobby. Take your mind off what’s troubling you by enjoying a hobby of your choice. It’s important to do things you enjoy, and not feel guilty about having a good time.

• Get enough sleep. A lack of sleep can make things worse. Try to start relaxing before it’s time to go to bed

Support lines and communities 

If you find yourself struggling, and feel like you can’t turn to anyone, there are support helplines to guide you. 

You’ll be speaking to trained professionals, with experience of helping people who are grieving. Just some of the incredible services available include:

• SupportLine. Provides phone counselling to help people with a wide variety of problems, including bereavement.

• Bereavement Trust. Focused around helping those who are experiencing grief. A team of volunteers work round the clock to make sure people can get the help and support they need.

• NHS. If you’re ever feeling dangerously low, the NHS offers a suicide hotline. Always get the support you need.

Whether it’s from your friends, family or these dedicated services, there’s always support available to you after a death. Try not to isolate yourself – instead, reach out and get help. 

If you feel like you want to talk to people who are in a similar situation to you, support groups can be a great help too. Having someone to chat to, who can relate to your situation, is incredibly useful. 

Useful links
https://www.cruse.org.uk/children/how-to-helphttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htmhttps://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friendshttps://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/http://www.parentcompanion.org/article/understanding-the-stages-of-grief"

A friend sent me some websites that might help you in your grief and how to handle it with children, and the estate of a loved one:

http://www.lclark.edu/live/files/5969-grief-at-worka-guide-for-employees-and-managers

https://www.petcoach.co/article/grief-the-loss-of-a-pet/

http://www.drugrehab.org/coping-stigma-grieving-overdose-death/

https://www.vitas.com/resources/grief-and-bereavement/helping-grieving-children

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/end-of-life-care/grief-and-loss/depression-and-complicated-grief.html

https://www.neptunesociety.com/resources/preparing-for-the-death-of-a-terminally-ill-loved-one

https://www.homeadvisor.com/r/create-peaceful-at-home-hospice/

https://privatebank.wf.com/conversations/article/settling_a_family_estate

https://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/20/garden/letting-children-share-in-grief.html

https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/talking-to-kids-about-death/

https://www.redfin.com/blog/how-to-be-estate-executor

The Grieving Process for a Chronic Illness and How to Overcome It

I woke up today to find that the Gastroparesis community on Facebook has lost another GP warrior. It makes me incredibly heartbroken that modern science has no cure for this yet. How many more people have to die before awareness can be spread?

On that note, I decided to write about the grieving process and how to overcome it with a chronic illness. Being told you have a chronic illness can be devastating and shocking, especially when you're told that your stomach will not work as it used to. Everyone goes through the grieving process - grieving for their life they'll never have again because chronic illness changes you. So, let's go through the grieving process together. That way, we can understand how to get through the process.



According to Judy Axelrod from Psych Central (LINK: http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617)

The stages of mourning and grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”

In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage more or less intensely. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.

The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges: As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.

Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are.



1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.



2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.


3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.



4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.



5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

The tricky part is, how do you overcome the grieving process with a chronic illness?

Therese J. Borchard, from Psych Central (LINK: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/06/16/5-rules-for-living-with-chronic-illness-and-depression-an-interview-with-elivra-aletta/) has these tips for you to help you overcome the grieving process. There are five rules of living with a chronic illness:

1. Be confident you have the right doctor.

When you have CI your relationship with your doctor is second only to your spouse or your parents. Being honest (and you must be honest!) with that person means you need to be able to trust them to hear you. If you don’t have that kind of relationship get a second opinion. Shop around. In my CI career I fired three highly recommended specialists because they were jerks. Thankfully I’ve also had wonderful physicians who literally saved my life and my mind.


2. Define your circle of support carefully.

Isolation leads to depression and it is so easy to isolate when you feel lower then dirt. People may surprise you. Peripheral friends may step up and be terrific support while others you thought you could count on cave. If someone inside the circle asks, “How are you?” Tell them the truth. When someone outside the circle asks, lie, say, “I’m fine” and change the subject. Too often they can’t handle the truth and they suck any energy you have taking care of them. A patient of mine found her mother would get hysterical at any medical news so it was better to keep her at arms length.

If someone asks if they can help say yes. Accepting help is a gift to them. Trust that someday you will be on the giving end. My patient’s mother could do laundry for her and that made both of them happy. One big way someone can help is to go to doctor’s visits with you. The extra eyes and ears take the pressure off you when the news is emotionally laden and important, even if the news is good.


3. Protect your health as you would a small child.

You are more than your illness. That part of you that functions well needs you to advocate for it. Of course there are the basics of getting plenty of sleep, exercise and eating smart. In addition to all that I suggest learning a new set of signals that are your clues for when you’re wearing your health thin. For me it’s lowered ability to concentrate, tension in my neck and shoulders, irritability and loss of my usually dependable sense of humor. When those yellow lights are blinking, it’s time for me to stop, assess and make changes. When I ignored those signals I relapsed and looking back I can see where I ran the red lights. So be a fierce protector of your health. Set limits and find the courage to say ‘No’!


4. Create a new measuring stick.

Our self-esteem lies in the standards with which we measure ourselves as we go through life. To thrive with chronic illness, throw out the old and rethink your standards. If you are used to defining yourself by your 50-hour workweek, for instance, you may feel lousy about yourself because now you can’t manage it.

Finding a new standard can be tough. One technique I use with patients is to have them ask themselves what is reasonable? Is it reasonable to do it all yourself or is it more reasonable to delegate? Is it reasonable to register the kids in travel hockey or is it more reasonable to stay local? This is where a lot of courage is needed. Courage to address old pressures to be a certain way and to imagine value in doing things differently. In my own life and in my work I find that those who thrive despite chronic illness creatively find opportunity in their new reality.


5. Have dreams and strive for them!

You had ambitions to get a degree or promotion, to see the world or save it, to get married and have kids. Now you’re thinking, do I have to give that up? No, you don’t. It’s imperative for your spirit that you have goals for living, big and small.

What might change with the reality of chronic illness is the path and timing. I wanted to have kids and was told for years, ‘No.’ I had to adjust to the idea of life without kids or adopting. Then in my late thirties, my doctor said, go for it. After a scary, thrilling journey, today I have two thriving teenagers.

As we reach for the stars let’s appreciate the ground we stand on. Mindfulness has a real place in keeping depression at bay for everyone. Sometimes our dreams are right before our eyes.

To overcome grieving for a chronic illness, you must adjust to life with a chronic illness. Mary J. Yerkes, from Focus on the Family (LINK: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional_health/living_with_chronic_pain_and_illness/adjusting_to_life_with_chronic_illness.aspx) tells us how to adjust with life with a chronic illness so that we may be able to move on.

She writes,

Adjust to life with chronic illness?

It might seem counterintuitive, but according to experts, you can live a full and meaningful life despite having compromised health. Millions of people living with serious chronic conditions have used their struggles as a springboard for spiritual, relational and emotional growth. Many have gone on to launch new ministries, careers, and friendships.

"Eventually, you adjust to a new normal," explains Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries, Inc™*, an organization that serves the chronically ill.

According to Copen, once you find the right doctor, medication and support, you can learn to cope successfully with your limitations—as long as you remember that you're not just dealing with your physical well-being; instead, you're learning to cast your relationships, emotional and spiritual health and physical health in a different light.
Adjusting Relationally

Couples should devote as much time to managing their relationship as they do to managing the illness, advises Deborah B. Dunn, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

"Find a third-party, outside of the family, who is supportive, encouraging and able to help you process the changes," she says. "Don't let your illness define you or your marriage."

She also advises against telling children that "everything will turn out fine."

It may not.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she says. "I've talked to so many children during the years who have gotten so angry with God because they think He fell down on the job. Be honest without being graphic."

Family relationships are not the only ones to suffer. Friends, co-workers, neighbors—even people from church, may not know how to respond to the "new" you. Some may reject you because they're uncomfortable with your physical or emotional pain.

Copen also advises relying on a confidant who understands what you're going through.

"If you're having trouble finding support at the local level, use the Internet to find the help and support you need. In addition to Rest Ministries*, organizations like Joni and Friends* and Dave Dravecky's Endurance* offer tools and practical resources to guide you."
Adjusting Emotionally

For many, healthy grieving, which includes periods of shock and numbness, denial, anger, disorientation, and intense emotional pain, is the greatest challenge. Experts say it is essential that you engage your grief reaction. If you do not, they warn, it will surface in other, more destructive ways.

Here's another important point experts want sufferers to remember: While, the "grieving timetable" is different for everyone, changes in your condition may provoke additional losses and seasons of mourning. That's why it is important to practice patience with yourself, eat well, get sufficient rest, express your feelings—journal, cry, sing, and talk to others about your pain.

Scott Twentyman, M.D., a practicing psychoanalyst in the Washington, D.C. area, urges the chronically ill to watch for signs of depression and to seek professional help when needed.

"Trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, weight gain or loss, loss of interest in activities that were previously enjoyable, lack of energy and certainly suicidal thoughts… all are indications of clinical depression."

And if you are depressed, don't rely on medication alone.

"Treatment for depression is more effective when medication is used in conjunction with therapy," says Dr. Twentyman.

Here are some additional tips that will help you adjust to life with chronic illness:

Educate yourself about your condition.
Recognize your limits and learn to say no.
Accept help from others.
Build fun into your life.
Focus your physical and emotional resources on those things that matter most.
Share your gifts and talents with others.

Facing the Future

One of the biggest fears those living with chronic illness face is about the future. While no one can predict it, the experiences others have faced can help it if we have to deal with chronic pain or illness.

Trish Robichaud lives with relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis and depression.

"My health challenges…have taken my life in a direction that I would never have gone with the illness."

After her diagnosis, Trish built a home-based business that gives her flexibility and allows her to manage her condition.

"It's been a blessing," says Trish, "and I thank God daily for where I'm at in life today."

Then there's Linda Aufrance. She suffers from Lupus, but she believes her health issues has taught them compassion and sensitivity for those who are hurting; it has had positive affects on her marriage.

"As hard as it has been, my illness has brought me and my husband closer," she says.

Trish and Linda still struggle with physical pain. Still, they live rich and meaningful lives. And so can you.

It can be difficult to see God's hand in our pain. But we can be confident that, in Christ, there is always hope for your future.

When you accept your chronic illness and realize your limitations, it's almost like a weight lifts off of your shoulders. You can then find ways to cope. With myself, I've joined support groups, started this blog, started groups and pages on FB to get my illness out there, and I've done fundraising for it. All of this has helped me cope with having a chronic illness. I've come to terms with the fact that I may never go out to eat with my friends any time soon, but I'm happy to know that my friends and family love me and care for me no matter what. Unconditional love is almost as good as a cure!

Image Source: Taken from Imgur

Image Source: Taken from a friend who made it


There is an article on The Mighty that was shared by a friend of mine, which is related to this article and mourning the person you were because of a chronic illness diagnosis. According to the article https://themighty.com/2018/11/grieving-mourning-old-you-chronic-illness/?utm_source=engagement_bar&fbclid=IwAR0OvijxyNBo66ZBMJxXU6FJgVlTCD78hoQozNlpJlTBGA5_qcXhwMFet7w,

"When You Can't Stop Mourning the Person You Were Before Chronic Illness
Written by, Jamie Jasinski

Four years ago, I went to my doctor complaining of excessive tiredness and having so much pain in my hands that I couldn’t squeeze my shampoo bottle while showering. Four years ago, I received a call telling me I needed to see a rheumatologist right away because my blood work came back extremely abnormal in the autoimmune area. I can remember the exact emotions I felt in that moment on the phone and how scared I was, and I can remember the fear I felt the day upon receiving my diagnoses. While I knew that rheumatoid arthritis and Sjögren’s were bad, I didn’t know that they would be life-altering.

Each day, I find my mind going back to the same thing. I keep wondering why, after all of this time, I still am in mourning of my pre-sick self. Maybe I’m sad because I never got to say goodbye to who I used to be; I was so happy and had goals I wanted to achieve. Just a year or so before, I had challenged myself to run, and I came to find that running made me feel at my best and was a form of therapy for myself. As if in an instant, any happiness drained itself from my body and my running came to a halt. I also quit my job because I couldn’t handle the stress and pain my body was being put through and I had severe depression weighing me down and telling me I needed to choose myself or possibly not be here anymore.

Once I couldn’t work anymore, I felt so disappointed in myself and to this day, I want so badly to contribute to society. I want to not wake up each day thinking that my life lacks purpose. To say I had hopes and dreams is an understatement. I saw a future filled with traveling and finding my life’s purpose. Instead, I lost my happiness from depression and any ounce of pride I ever felt inside had left me. When your thoughts switch from thinking about one day buying a house with your significant other to just wanting to wake up one day and feel a little less pain, it makes you realize that you just really needed a warning that this was to come so you could have been more prepared.


With the help of a therapist, I have been through the cycle of grieving and accepting my chronic illnesses multiple times, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be completely OK with my situation. I’ve actually come to a point where I don’t even tell people anymore how I’m actually feeling when they ask because I feel like a broken record and a broken soul that can never be fixed. I have accepted that no matter how many times you try to tell others what you are feeling and experiencing, they may never truly understand. You may lose important people in your life as you have to say 'no' to many outings, but those who honestly are sympathetic to your situation will stick around.

While I was told I’d have this forever, I did think that with medicine, I’d be back to my normal self eventually. Maybe I was naive to think that. I, instead, seemed to have more symptoms as time went on. Just yesterday, I found myself saying out loud that I felt like I needed to be in the hospital hooked up to an IV because I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. This statement was coming from someone who is absolutely petrified of hospitals. The pain ranges from my fingers to my elbows, to my neck, hips, knees and ankles, and I turn into a child not knowing how to help myself.

I try so often to think of how I can explain the type of fatigue I experience because it’s probably one of the hardest components of this. I try to explain to my husband that I’ll be going through my day and all of sudden, fatigue hits me. It feels as though if I don’t lie down at the moment that I’m going to collapse. It feels like the time in your life where you have felt most drained and energy deprived, but it happens multiple times a day and lasts two to three hours each time. No matter how much I rest, I still feel like I haven’t slept in days.

Since I never was able to say farewell to the me before I got sick, I am taking this moment to do so now, and hoping that anyone else who has experienced similar feelings and situations will be brave enough to do this one day too. If I have discovered anything positive about myself throughout this journey, it’s that writing has been the best outlet for me in coping.

I’ve just been told that my body will never be the same again, so I wanted to say goodbye to you as I await the arrival of this new body. You gave me the privilege of being left-handed and being artsy since I was so young; you gave me the rhythm and moves that helped me find a love of dance that lasted me 10 years. You gave me the courage to go on stage and dance while my family and friends sat there to watch and support me. You sent those smiles to my face that others would often tell me made their day; you made me a genuinely happy person that would never allow the bad things in life to take over. You gave me the ability to take up running at the age of 26, and you showed me that if you really put your mind to it, you can achieve things you didn’t think you could do. You stayed with me while I began a weight loss journey and achieved what I set out to do. You gave me countless miles of walking around and exploring life like one should while growing up. I don’t think I gave you enough credit at the time, but you managed to keep going on the days where you barely had the energy to do so. You got through going to college full-time, while also working 30 hours a week and trying to make time for my family life and also a social life. You won’t be taken for granted and will be remembered and appreciated for the rest of my life. I will miss your energy. I will long for the days of being pain-free and being able to walk around with no issues. I will miss our shopping trips, as they will be few and far between soon. I will miss vacations where I didn’t have to worry about planning around taking breaks and rests throughout the day. I will miss a body free of medication in order to function. Most of all, I will miss the feeling of being me the most. My new body will be different and not the one I have known since I was born. I will still be me inside, but I’ll never really feel the same again. Thank you for the time I was able to have you."

NOTE: If you are interested, I have a Facebook Page. I'm trying to reach 500 Likes. If you want motivation, inspiration, and just straight up positivity, here's the link: https://www.facebook.com/emilysstomach