Losing A Loved One To a Chronic Illness and Handling Grief

We have all been there. We see a post or get a call, and the floor drops out from under us. We don't know what to do or what to say because we have just been told that one of our loved ones has passed away, without rhyme or reason, due to complications from a chronic illness. How do you handle that? It seems like it goes beyond the regular grieving process because you watched this person suffer and wrestle with a chronic illness for a long time before they passed. You get angry because people make off hand comments that they knew this person was going to die because they were so ill, yet the last time you talked to your loved one, they were fine. So, how do you deal with the news, knowing that you will never get to have another conversation? Knowing what you do about their illness?

With Gastroparesis, it can be a lot more sneaky. I mean, most people seem fine on the outside but are suffering immensely behind the scenes. If you want to know more about how people with Gastroparesis live and what they suffer from, I have great resources in my blog. But this article, this is to honor those fallen GP Warriors, those who have given their lives to fight for a cure for Gastroparesis. We will never forget them and we will keep them alive in our hearts and our memories, and keep them alive in our fight. So, again, how do you deal with the loss? Based on my personal experiences, I'm going to share some things that really help me when I lose a loved one, especially really good friends, to an invisible illness.

I have another article with the stages of grief in it, entitled, "The Grieving Process for a Chronic Illness, and How to Overcome It" that you can find by clicking here: http://www.emilysstomach.com/2014/02/the-grieving-process-for-chronic.html. This will tell you about the stages of grief. I recommend reading it so that you can prepare yourself and to know how grief effects people.

The only logical answer I can give you is that there is no way to get over a loss. You can move past it, but you never truly get over losing a loved one, especially to a chronic illness.

Lean on support groups, with other people who have gone what you are going through, to help you through this difficult time. I recommend that highly, because people are social animals, and it helps to have empathy and people on your side with what you're going through. I started a Facebook Group, Grief Group for GPers, for those who have lost loved ones to Gastroparesis and who want to talk about it. We ask that everything posted in the group, stays in the group, due to family privacy matters. We also have an album of loved ones who have passed that we keep updated, so that we never forget why we are fighting and who we are fighting for, when we fight for things like awareness, research, and a cure for Gastroparesis. The group can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/groups/gpgriefgroup/.

Joining a support group can definitely help, but I also recommend writing. Writing helps me a lot. When I'm able to get out all of my feelings onto a laptop or a piece of paper, I feel purged and a lot better. You can tear up the paper afterwards or delete a word document, if you don't want anyone else to stumble across it but it helps to get your feelings out. I write this blog to help me deal with even having an invisible illness and most days, it helps me keep my sanity. You don't have to start a blog, but keeping a notebook will help. Like I said, you don't have to keep your feelings once you've written them down. You can throw them away, tear them up, do whatever you like to the page(s) that you write. I like to keep mine to reflect back on how I was feeling and how far I've come since that point. I have a journal that I write in and carry around with me, in addition to this blog.

Lean on your friends. I know this seems like a no-brainer, but your friends are there to support you and help you. Invite them over to your house (I don't know about you, but it's hard for me to go out since I suffer from nausea and vomiting a lot due to GP, gastroparesis, but everyone's GP is different) and put on a movie that you all love, play a game, board or video, and talk. It helps having a distraction and your friends will be there for you. You can tell them about your loved one, relive memories, and honor them in your own way. It helps, at times like these, to have friends you can depend on to make you feel better and the interaction will really help, especially if you've been keeping yourself in isolation.

And the last thing that I would recommend, especially if you can't go to the funeral, is to have your own ceremony. I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. You can do something simple and personal, between you and the loved one you lost. I take flowers, they can be hand picked or bought at a store, and I sit in the backyard. I place them at the edge of the yard, and I talk to my loved one that I've lost. I tell them how I feel, and you can do this in your head if you want to, especially if there are people outside. The important thing is to let out any pent up tears and feelings. Talk to the person you lost like they were there with you, next to you. Lay down the flowers and have your own moment. You don't need a funeral to let them know how you feel. I know I have a hard time going places because I vomit quite a lot, and I am always nauseated. Being in a car exacerbates that feeling, because I get motion sick, so I have my own ceremony, in my backyard. I know this sounds odd, but it really helps me. It helps me say goodbye and saying goodbye, in your own way, is very important. It's important that you let go. You can do whatever makes you feel comfortable, this is just my own little ritual I want to share with you to give you an idea of the things you can do. This is just very personal for me, and this is something I've never told anyone. A good friend of mine, whom I lost, once told me that she didn't want to die because of the suffering she would cause to the people left behind. I still think about that and she's been gone for twenty years.

We have lost five people so far, just this month, from complications due to Gastroparesis. It breaks my heart and saddens me...but it also gives me purpose. I want to continue fighting for those people whom we've lost, and I want to do it to keep them alive. One day, we will find a cure. But, for right now, I have high hopes for more awareness and research. I actually met a lady at the dentist who knew all about Gastroparesis, and I didn't have to explain it to her. She had read about it somewhere. It's going to happen. It may be slow, but awareness is taking shape, and hopefully, research and a cure aren't far behind it.

May our loved ones walk among the stars and be proud of us for carrying on and fighting for Gastroparesis.

My friend shared this article with me and I wanted to post it here, because it is amazing and I think it would help with the grief.

According to Funnyshare.com (http://beautythings.info/2017/09/24/when-asked-for-advice-on-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-old-man-gave-the-most-incredible-reply/),

"When Asked for Advice on How to Deal with Grief, This Old Man Gave the Most Incredible Reply.

Someone on reddit wrote the following heartfelt plea online:

'My friend just died. I don’t know what to do.'

Many people responded with words of encouragement, but one response in particular, by an older gentlemen, really stood out from the rest…

Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to 'not matter.' I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love.

So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out.

But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

I do not have the source for this, but it does help me in times of grief:

Image Source: taken from Imgur

According to www.Churchill.com,

"Introduction - As much as we don’t like to think about it, death is a part of life. While it’s not a nice thought, there’s nothing we can do to stop those we love from passing away when the time comes. It’s understandable to feel sad and even helpless when this happens, but the pain will become easier to cope with over time.

Common feelings after a death

People go through various stages of grief when they’re coming to terms with a death. These five stages have been studied for years:

1. Denial. By denying the death has happened, it prevents the person from being overwhelmed by grief. It’s normal to feel numb, wondering how life can go on. It can be hard to accept what’s happened.

1. Anger. Being easily irritated is a normal response to the loss of someone close to you. You might feel like snapping at people, even if it’s unlike you.

1. Bargaining. While we feel helpless, it’s natural for thoughts to turn to what could’ve been done differently. For example, being nicer to the person or getting medical help earlier.

1. Depression. When our thoughts return to the present, it often leads to another level of sadness. At this point, it’s normal for a person to struggle most with the loss.

1. Acceptance. You’re not okay with what’s happened, but you’ve reached a point where you can get on with your life without it having too much of an impact day-to-day.

Understanding the common stages of grief can help a person be better prepared, but everyone grieves differently. There’s no right or wrong amount of time to be upset about losing someone, so let things progress naturally.

The biological process of grief 

Your body responds when you’re grieving. Once grief has triggered a response, you’re likely to experience a number of side effects, including:

• Boosted adrenaline. Our brain triggers the fight or flight response, leading to a faster heartbeat and additional release of adrenaline. You might feel on high alert.

• Exhaustion. Often caused by a lack of sleep, grief can lead to insomnia and depression – leaving you drained of energy and motivation.

• Digestion problems. Issues with your digestion can be common when experiencing sadness.

If you lose someone close to you, be prepared for short-term changes to your health. It’s normal to feel the effects on your body. Staying active and eating well can help.

Daily life when you’re grieving 

How to maintain your regular lifestyle
The impact a death will have on your life is significant. But there are ways to cope with a loss, including:

• Create a routine. Having a routine in place can help keep you balanced. A structure will give you a solid foundation to rebuild from, at a time when you’re struggling to find your feet.

• Talk to loved ones. Open up to the people closest to you. You’ll be sharing a lot of the same feelings and talking about them is an important part of grieving.

• Encourage yourself to participate. It’s natural to withdraw from life when you’re under stress. If you find yourself feeling this way, take small steps to do the things that usually make you happy.

Helping children cope with a death 

The loss of a loved one can be especially hard on children, because it’s probably the first time they’ve experienced these feelings. You’ll play a large part in helping them deal with their grief.

• Use clear and honest words. Be as clear as possible when speaking to a child. They’re probably struggling to understand what’s happening, so being open will help them process what’s going on.

• Listen to their concerns and questions. Make sure you answer any questions they have, and let the child know it’s perfectly normal to feel the way they do.

• Explain funerals. There’s a good chance a child won’t know what a funeral is. If you want them to go, give them a description of why it happens, and what to expect on the day.

• Help them remember the person. Talking about memories of a lost loved one can be helpful to children. This positive energy is therapeutic and may help them battle through the worst of what they’re experiencing.

• Do things to keep their minds active. Keep a child happy and distracted with activities such as family days out. Sitting inside for too long won’t help anyone.

Helping adults around you to grieve 

It’s not only children who grieve. You might want to help a partner, friend or family member who’s experiencing this kind of pain. Some of the best methods include:

• Listening to them. Don’t presume the grieving person would want to be treated the same way you would. Just having someone to listen to them can help. You don’t always have to give advice or have a solution.

• Talk about the person who’s passed. Sometimes people feel as though mentioning the deceased will be upsetting. But somebody who’s grieving might want to talk about their loved one, so give them time to bring it up.

• Reaching out. Don’t wait for someone to ask you for help. While you don’t want to be pushy, it’s nice to make sure a person knows you’re there if needed.

• Point them towards professional help. If they’re struggling to come to terms with their loss, you can suggest they seek professional help.

Getting help with grief 

Finding the support and care you need at this distressing time can make a huge difference. 

Getting emotional support from those around you 

During difficult times, we rely on those closest to us for support. But we’ve got to want their help, so bear in mind these points:

• Share your issues. Make sure people around you know if you’re struggling. There’s a better chance they’ll be able to help if they know what’s up.

• Say yes to help. If someone reaches out to offer you advice, be open to their support. A heart-to-heart can make a difference. It’s worth getting a range of support too, from friends and professionals.

It can be uncomfortable to open up about your issues, but it’s important to separate yourself from those doubts to get the help you need.

Taking steps to help with your own emotional health 

Looking after your emotional health and well-being is always important, especially when you’re suffering a loss.

• Stay physically active. Exercising has been shown to have a positive impact on not only your body, but also your mind. Depression and anxiety can improve when you’re active.

• Take up a hobby. Take your mind off what’s troubling you by enjoying a hobby of your choice. It’s important to do things you enjoy, and not feel guilty about having a good time.

• Get enough sleep. A lack of sleep can make things worse. Try to start relaxing before it’s time to go to bed

Support lines and communities 

If you find yourself struggling, and feel like you can’t turn to anyone, there are support helplines to guide you. 

You’ll be speaking to trained professionals, with experience of helping people who are grieving. Just some of the incredible services available include:

• SupportLine. Provides phone counselling to help people with a wide variety of problems, including bereavement.

• Bereavement Trust. Focused around helping those who are experiencing grief. A team of volunteers work round the clock to make sure people can get the help and support they need.

• NHS. If you’re ever feeling dangerously low, the NHS offers a suicide hotline. Always get the support you need.

Whether it’s from your friends, family or these dedicated services, there’s always support available to you after a death. Try not to isolate yourself – instead, reach out and get help. 

If you feel like you want to talk to people who are in a similar situation to you, support groups can be a great help too. Having someone to chat to, who can relate to your situation, is incredibly useful. 

Useful links
https://www.cruse.org.uk/children/how-to-helphttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htmhttps://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friendshttps://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/http://www.parentcompanion.org/article/understanding-the-stages-of-grief"

A friend sent me some websites that might help you in your grief and how to handle it with children, and the estate of a loved one:

http://www.lclark.edu/live/files/5969-grief-at-worka-guide-for-employees-and-managers

https://www.petcoach.co/article/grief-the-loss-of-a-pet/

http://www.drugrehab.org/coping-stigma-grieving-overdose-death/

https://www.vitas.com/resources/grief-and-bereavement/helping-grieving-children

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/end-of-life-care/grief-and-loss/depression-and-complicated-grief.html

https://www.neptunesociety.com/resources/preparing-for-the-death-of-a-terminally-ill-loved-one

https://www.homeadvisor.com/r/create-peaceful-at-home-hospice/

https://privatebank.wf.com/conversations/article/settling_a_family_estate

https://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/20/garden/letting-children-share-in-grief.html

https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/talking-to-kids-about-death/

https://www.redfin.com/blog/how-to-be-estate-executor

Gastroparesis Groups Should Come Together and Be for Support

I've heard from several different ‪#‎gastroparesis‬ groups and pages that there are different levels of "sickness." I want to reiterate that ‪GASTROPARESIS‬ IS NOT A COMPETITION, nor are any other invisible and chronic illnesses! There are people scared to post, in my gastroparesis groups even, because they do not have tubes, or they are not as skinny as some of the other members, or they do not vomit, because these people are scared they are not sick enough to post. Gastroparesis comes in MANY forms! But, in the end, it's all still gastroparesis. It's still a debilitating illness, one that we are striving to bring awareness to, to get research for, so that hopefully, we can find a cure. We cannot keep losing loved ones to this illness. I just lost one of my close gastroparesis friends right before Christmas. I want to make sure that her death was not in vain and neither were her awareness posts and activities.

If you see this behavior in another group or page, where members start attacking someone because they think that they are not sick enough or they think because the person posted a suicidal post that they need to be attacked, educate them and tell them that gastroparesis is gastroparesis, there is absolutely no need for ‪what I have termed to be Gastroparesis Shaming (#‎GPShaming)‬. Tell them what they are doing is wrong and that is not what a support group is for. According to http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/support-group is defined as,

"a group of people who meet regularly to support or sustain each other by discussing problems affecting them in common, as alcoholism or bereavement."

We are all sick, no two of us are a like, but there is not a race or competition that we are trying to win at because having gastroparesis definitely is NOT winning anything. These support groups are made up of a bunch of different people who maybe be in multiple support groups but that brings me to my next point, gastroparesis is NOT a numbers game for support groups. It is not a competition of how many members you have. I have seen some pretty nasty fights over members in "support" groups. People can be in multiple groups at once. Instead of wasting energy fighting on bringing up your numbers and trying to have the most people in your group, why don't all of us, all of the support groups, work together and join forces to bring awareness to Gastroparesis. One of my friends summed it up perfectly and I'm going to quote him here,

"When I first learned about gastroparesis it was from a friend active in the community.
Once I began to understand the impact that GP had on a person's life, and the lives of those around them, I knew I had to participate somehow in advocacy.

I started joining groups, reading posts, and becoming as intimately familiar as someone without the disease can become.

But I started to sense tension. Group A, B, C, D weren't WORKING TOGETHER. In fact it seemed like there was strife between the groups. I'm a grown up, I know how things work, I understood there would be fractures, but I believed (and still do) that the best way for the GP community to get the care and attention it NEEDS is for all the groups to lay down their arms and work together.

How is that to happen? I'm hoping someone smarter than me can figure it out but I have a few ideas.
Bless us all and may 2016 find us overcoming many of the obstacles that GP presents to it's sufferers.
Thank you Emily for building bridges."

Support groups fighting with other support groups needs to stop as well. We all need each other and we are all on the SAME TEAM! I can't stress that enough. It's not a competition for numbers, for who is sickest, for who has had the most procedures - it's a support group for SUPPORT! We need to make sure to take care of our own because GPers (gastroparesis patients) are the only ones who really understand what GPers go through on a daily basis because we live through it and we need to band together to help others realize this is a real illness, even though it's invisible, and stop fighting with each other to fight the much bigger fight of spreading awareness and having others take us seriously, not to mention helping others who have been newly diagnosed that do not know where to even begin! How can they take us seriously when we can't even align ourselves, all of the gastroparesis Facebook groups and pages, to unite for a common goal? If you think doctors and nurses don't join the gastroparesis support groups to try to learn more about the disease, then you would be wrong. Instead, they see all of backbiting, talking badly about other groups/people, and plans on how to get more members without addressing the concerns of members you already have - I mean, it happens. I chose to stay offline for a while because I felt like support groups were doing me more harm than good. The extra unnecessary drama was making me a lot more ill. But, I'm back because not all of the support groups are like that and I'm lucky to have found them.

I am going to take a stand, but I need YOUR help. I can't do this alone. It's going to take all of us working together to get rid of this stigma that has risen in "support" groups lately. So, as a result of that, I am making an event that will last for a month. The point of this event is to stop #GPShaming, bullying, number's games in support groups, and to get rid of any type of competition. I want to weed out the toxic groups so that people can find the love and support they need in order to live with this illness, because gastroparesis is hard enough and no one should have to deal with it alone.

Please invite them to join this event. Please don't let #GPShaming (please use this hashtag when talking about this event or when you post a photo for unification) happen in your group, or bullying, or anything that can be harmful to other groups. Support groups should be about support and not a popularity contest...it shouldn't look down on anyone who is having a bad GP day or who needs help. There shouldn't be judgements, just acceptance. I want to rid the groups of this stigma. I also want all of the GP support groups and pages to work together on this event - because we should be uniting to help spread awareness, education that leads to research, so that we can find a cure for this illness, our illness.

Over the next month, we're going to push this message really hard in hopes we can change the minds of the gastroparesis culture online that gastroparesis is NOT a competition but a serious medical illness that needs dedication, research, and a cure. That's all that matters - to stop the senseless deaths and the suffering because I'm tired of losing friends. We should all work together, not make a scale and judge people based on that "scale." The support groups should NOT be at war with each other, there is no point in fighting with one another - we hurt each other and others. People who have been recently diagnosed who come to a support group for advice and help become collateral damage, and that's NOT OK. This is in regards to Facebook Groups but seeing how some of this is done in some of these groups is almost like corporate espionage with how elaborate it is to tear a part other groups and take their members. People can join multiple support groups and we encourage that. But, mudslinging from different groups and having competitions on who can get the most members is silly and is missing the point of what a support group is here for. We want all of the Gastroparesis Support Groups to work together to do this...because we all need to support each other too.

Upload a picture of yourself to the wall, holding a poster or piece of paper that says something to the effect of GP Support Groups support each other and GP is not a competition. ♥ That way, we can all show our unity on this issue.

Updated Event for May 4, 2016: http://www.facebook.com/events/471111503080375/

Event Link: http://www.facebook.com/events/550356651796414/

PLEASE SHARE!

Again, let me reiterate, people in support groups are in there for SUPPORT. That means supporting that person in the decisions they make, WITHOUT JUDGEMENTS, and to offer advice and guidance for those who are new to this illness. It is NOT a place to start a who is sicker than who competition. Who cares? We're all sick. Does it matter who has what or who is sicker than who? No, it doesn't. We should all be working together, not judging each other and making others feel stressed because that makes the person sicker and lowers their immune systems. This in support group fighting thing is ridiculous. It makes me angry.

We should all be working towards a common goal. However, just like life, not everyone gets along. Also, there are different topics, different support groups to help people find the support group that is the right fit for them. Every GPer is different. You can't take all of the gastroparesis group members and put them in one big group - because everyone has different needs. They have the right to choose a group that works for them, personally, or make a group that works for them and other people. One of my friends told me tonight that she's tired of the "fracturing" of support groups. I cannot help with that, it is beyond my control. I have the groups I have - different topics, to help people. But, like I said, every GPer is different and they have different needs, different ways of coping, and they deserve to join a group that works for them and helps them through it. I do work with other group owners and send people their way when they ask certain questions I can't answer, and I point them to the group that would maybe answer their questions and give them better advice. I do my best to send people to already established groups about their particular issues. People can be a part of multiple groups. You don't have to leave one you like for another one you like. That's silly. I just want to help people. As for fracturing, that's beyond my control. I can't control what other people do and I understand we should all be working towards a common goal, but sadly, it's not a perfect world where everyone gets along so we can do that. But, I do try to work with other group owners and I do my best in my groups. I don't want people judging each other in there because you never know what a person is going through, you would have to, what's the saying? Walk a mile in that person's shoes to understand. People rush to judge without having all of the facts and that's not right. It's also not right to make it so that people are scared to post in support groups because they don't want to be attacked. That bothers me in groups as well. No one should be scared to post. They need to be able to express themselves without retribution. The support group may be the only place they can vent, and instead, they keep things bottled up and get sicker because they are too scared to post. That is NOT OK! I'm working so hard in my groups to make sure that doesn't happen.

It seems like the support groups have lost the meaning of support.

Support groups are also not a number's game, period. It does not matter how many people you have in a support group. That is NOT the purpose of having a group in a community for the chronically ill.

I will say that I am tired of the bullying, backbiting, and everything else going on in the groups today. There is a lot of cyber bullying in groups today which make individuals scared to post questions. If they post a question someone else does not like, they do not scroll past, but instead they start an argument and bully the person. The argument is not constructive and it is not civil. It's sad when people have to tear others down to make themselves feel important and relevant and it has been happening SO much lately. Because of people like this, the Gastroparesis community cannot come together, and work together towards a common goal. I am not sure where the toxicity came from that has invaded the gastroparesis community, but we all need to work together to address the issues and fix it. In the beginning, in about 2011, a handful of my friends and I started support groups for the community. We were a close knit group - but now, it seems like everything is fractured. There are cliques, people who want attention, people who bully others, power trips, and so many more toxic things that were not always there. There is so much drama now. There are also so many duplicated groups that it's a bit daunting.

We will not be able to unite until we get rid of the toxic people in the community who only hurt us, not lift us up. There are some really toxic people, almost like emotional vampires, staking out the groups and ready to pounce. They will disguise themselves as your friends, but you really have to be careful who you let into your life - especially someone you do not really know well that you met on the Internet. But, I digress. We need to do some spring cleaning in our gastroparesis community.

And that's the point of this article, we are already so sick, we need to lift each other up and to help, look out for one another.

So, if there is a story floating around about someone, I do not jump to the conclusion that it is true. I do not judge the person who is the subject of rumor and gossip. I do not believe everything I hear. Instead, I question it. There are always two sides to every story, whether people want to hear them or not. Likewise, if I see a post or comment in the groups that I do not like or with which I disagree, I ignore it and scroll on by, or hide the posts. Everyone is different. They come from all walks of life and should be treated with respect in the support groups. Most of these people are isolated because of their chronic illness, so their only contact with the outside world is through the Internet. Also, their gastroparesis is no less than mine, it does not matter if you have mild or severe, it's not a competition. And so I will continue to support those who need it. If someone asks a question and I do not have the answer, I will try and find it.

I do get upset and anxious a lot. It's hard to move past it most days. I know everyone has their bad days, gastroparesis is debilitating. It causes me a lot of pain and it causes me to vomit. I can tell you that when I have not been able to eat in a few days, or if I am in a lot of pain, it is really hard for me to keep my head clear. I usually have to take a break from the computer I order to get into a better headspace.

People make mistakes – we all do. We are all human and we do have the tendency to react out of anger or fear. We say things that we later regret because in the heat of the moment, with being sick on top of it, we respond rashly to simple things that would not warrant that kind of reaction. Once you say something like that on the Internet, it is forever. My suggestion would be to write out all of your feelings in an email and send it to yourself. Then, go do something else for a bit, and see if that helps you from making the mistake of something you would completely regret saying. Furthermore, I do not believe in publicly basting others on Facebook either. If you have an issue with someone, please leave it out of the groups. Instead, contact them directly and try to address it. If that does not work, block them. Just know that you tried your best.

I wrote this in one of the groups a while back, and I still mean it: Our community should be a welcoming and place for all to come and share their concerns, joys, heartaches, questions, and useful information. Support and helpful comments should be all we see. Our community should be a safe haven where people feel comfortable sharing their innermost concerns without the fear of negative repercussions and hurtful responses. We should be able to openly and honestly discuss anything in our lives that disturbs us, concerns us, keeps us from healing, fascinates us, or uplifts us. We should be able to be respectful of one another as well, even if we disagree. Minor disputes do not have to become wars.

Please, I am begging you to be kind to one another and strengthen the bonds between us. Simply refuse to believe the gossip, rumors, and lies. Refuse to perpetuate the drama and bad behavior. Ignore, scroll by, forgive, move on, and focus on what we all have in common. Focus on surviving and defeating this beast we call GP. Focus on fighting for our community, on supporting efforts to find better treatments and cures, on spreading awareness to those outside of our GP community who know nothing of our illness, and on offering support for our fellow GPers who so desperately need help.

I am going to be offline more than usual over the next few days, or weeks, or whatever it takes for me to continue. I am keenly aware that I am sick. I am keenly aware that none of us is promised another day – so none of this drama matters to me. People’s opinions of me don’t matter to me. Doing what is right, demonstrating compassion and kindness, and helping others – that’s what matters to me. Forgiving others and accepting them with all their weaknesses and flaws – that’s what matters to me. I will not spend my days engaged in conflict or constantly trying to defend myself or justify my actions. I do not wish to devote endless hours to sifting through and sorting out insignificant claims and disputes. I want to help people, really help people – ALL people. I care for absolutely everyone in this community, and if you need help, regardless of who you are, I will assist you to the best of my ability. I am not perfect, and I don’t have all the solutions. I also don’t have as much time as I would like and cannot always do everything that everyone asks of me. But I love my fellow GPers, and I want to continue to do my very best to fight for our gastroparesis community. I hope you all want the same. We need each other.

**Sidenote: I have never plagiarized intentionally on this blog. If I missed a quote here and there, I have always gone back to correct it. If anyone thinks that I have made an error, please contact me privately, and come to me as an adult so that we can discuss it. However, I took this screenshot in January because it does show my writing *AND* I was a part of a group who were pushing an event at this time. I can show you my writing and my timestamp. I DID NOT plagiarize, but this is what I have from January as proof below, even though I don't have to justify myself, but I have nothing to hide:

How to Stay Positive - Especially, in Difficult Situations

I know sometimes when you're in the darkness, it's hard to find any light. I can't tell you how many times that I've been kicked while I'm down or just feeling down. Sometimes, I feel like there's nothing left to fight for. When you're chronically ill, this isn't a new feeling. Everyone experiences some depression when fighting a long term illness. With Gastroparesis, it comes and goes. I'm going to share some tips I've found online to help you find your way back up to stay positive and to keep fighting.



Thirteen Ways to Stay Positive by Wikihow - you can click HERE.

According to the article,

1. Examine your situation. What's causing the pain you are feeling? This is going to be key to working your way back to positive territory.

If it's situational—for example, you got fired, it's pouring down rain, and on the way home with all your office belongings in the car, that little spare tire that you've been running on gives up the ghost, leaving you stranded on the other side of town—you're going to need a different set of "positive" tools than if you have been diagnosed with a melanoma.

External factors can be dealt with by taking positive steps to repair or at least address the root problem as best as you can. Whatever the primary cause of the suckage, that cause must be addressed first. You may or may not be able to solve the problem, per se, but at least knowing you're taking positive steps forward is one less weight to have to carry, and it will help you improve your outlook. It will not be easy, of course, or we wouldn't be calling this "sucking."

If it's physical or mental—maybe you're bipolar, or suffer chronic depression—you must balance any attempt at "being positive" with an understanding that the reality is, it's going to be an ongoing battle for your own survival. Because depression will undermine even the strongest of wills, you will need help to maintain—or at least be reminded of—a positive outlook. Counseling, psychotherapy, and the right combination of medication will play a crucial role in helping to keep you from sinking into that very dark place that is the essence of depression. Be patient, but don't look for miracles. It may be that you will need the help of professionals throughout your life to maintain a generally even keel.





2. Don't give in. When you're in the middle of a suck vortex, those words will have little meaning, because everything you know in your bones to be true is telling you that giving in would be so easy to do.

People will tell you "just get over it," or "get a grip." They know—and you know—that if you were to look objectively at the sum of your life, that it's not as bad as it feels; there are many people whose lives are measurably worse than yours. So what! Their lives, no matter how terrible, are not your life, and your situation is unique to you.

Don't try to "get over it." If one could "will away" depression, there would be no need of doctors or drugs. What you can do is understand why you feel like you do, and explain to your would-be counselors that you wish it were that easy, and that you appreciate their concern. Don't push them away—at the very least, you can be positive that they are there for you, however clumsy and unaware their platitudes may be. Who knows, their bumbling efforts may even provide some amusement or distraction!




3. Take care of your body and soul. Given that you are probably an emotional wreck in a world of sewage, swimming in the debris of whatever damage the suckage has wrought, this is not the time to become a world champion hotdog eater, consumer of tubs of ice cream, or finding the bottom of the bottle of Jack. Treat yourself well, even though you feel like hell. How, you ask? Here are some ideas:

Give your pet some love. They know you're not their normal human, but the beauty of pets is unconditional, unquestioning love. Be playful with them, find a simple game that amuses both of you (the fake ball-throw is always a canine favorite), and let yourself forget your troubles for 5 or 10 minutes. It won't solve your problem, but it will lighten the load.

My personal advice is to contact a GP friend - either by phone or on Facebook. Get all of your anger out/frustration/sadness out. The person on the other end of the line understands completely.

Another bit of personal advice I'd like to throw in is to write. Writing has always been my stress outlet and it helps me cope with isolation and sadness.



4. Cut back on the caffeine drinks. You don't need to quit, but cutting back will help reduce chemically induced anxiety and stress, and smooth any recovery time.

Exercise your body. It may be a sport you enjoy, yoga, cross training, or even a simple walk in the park. But keeping your body active will help your outlook.

Throw yourself into a hobby you enjoy. Whether it's art, photography, music appreciation, or building a ship in a bottle, focusing on something other than the suck factor will give your mind some time off for good behavior.

Join a community that you're not already part of. It could be a support group for whatever you're going through, or a group of people that share your love of Lord of the Rings, or a charity such as Habitat for Humanity. You may find solace and purpose in ways you never imagined.

Do not crawl into a hole and disappear. Your friends and loved ones probably know your life sucks. They may or may not be able to help you directly, but they can give you emotional and moral support.

Sleep. You don't need to be told this. Your body is probably begging you for it when you are in the middle of hard times. You may actually be drawn to sleep all day. While that might feel good at the moment, it only puts off the inevitable, so try to maintain good sleeping habits. Maintain a consistent sleep schedule, but allow yourself some leeway. If you sleep fitfully for half the night, then finally fall asleep at 4am, don't get up at 6:30 unless you absolutely must. Let your body get about 8 hours for the best results.




5. Seek help immediately. Yes, life sucks. Sometimes, it can become overwhelming to the point where you figure that swallowing a bottle of pills, or a 9 mm, will be preferable to another day of pain. If those thoughts start to invade your senses, deal with them as if your life depended on it—because it does.

If you're just starting to have those thoughts, speak to your physician or your therapist. They may prescribe something to help steer you back to the center, emotionally. It may be the act of talking about it is therapeutic enough, but don't assume that. Leave that call to the professionals.

If you're at a more advanced stage, thinking about last meals, what to write, how you'll do it, and if anybody will even care (or that this will "teach them a lesson"), stop whatever you 're doing. Pick up a phone. Dial 1-800-273-8255, and tell them what's on your mind. If your urge is not quite immediate, go to Google, and enter "suicide hotline." The results should include the number above, plus local resources that can help, no matter what the cause.

Note that if your in the end stage of a terminal illness, the above suggestion may be not be the best course. Some countries, and one State in the United States, permits physician-assisted suicide—its purpose to provide for a quiet, controlled departure from this world.


Some Tips:


Remember to laugh. Laughing is a natural way to release tension.

Thinking positively means hanging on to hope and looking for new possibilities at the time when life's gotten too hard. It means striving against its challenges, however extreme. It means hanging on to what is good in yourself if everything else gets swept away and valuing your compassion, your warmth, your capacity to find beauty. There is always the sky, there is always a dewdrop on a weed. Speaking broadly, there is always tomorrow.

When you think positive, positive things do happen, in times of crisis it's hard but remember as hard as it seems the world does not owe us anything. Things happen for a reason. Stay strong, this is just a chapter in your life.

Be positive and active.

If the above fails for you, take the Buddhist view: Life is difficult. The fallacious thought is that we can change that. In accepting that life indeed is difficult, we begin to make it less painful...not less difficult.

To "go for it," simply get up and do it. If there's even the smallest voice inside saying, "Get up!", to do what it says; just dive in! Turn off the computer, turn off the TV, and get going!

When you think positively, you begin to view the world around a little more gently; you tend to look on the better, clearer side. Being resentful will render positive thinking useless.

Find a friend and talk it out. Ask them just to listen. Sometimes telling the situation out loud you hear it from outside your own head and see the situation more clearly. Talk therapy is great.

Leave bad fears in the past,don't let them ruin your future because its your future that your future that counts the most....

Love, forgive yourself. Don't be harsh on yourself.

How to Train Your Brain to Stay Positive - Article can be found by clicking HERE.

According to the article,

You can learn to cultivate resilience by training your brain to stay positive when times are tough.

"People tend to have a cognitive bias toward their failures, and toward negativity," says Matthew Della Porta, a positive psychologist and organizational consultant. Our brains are more likely to seek out negative information and store it more quickly to memory.
Related




Work Positive in a Negative World Work Positive in a Negative World
By Joey Faucette


Of course, that bias is not always bad. Acknowledging problems and facing failures can lead us to better solutions. But too often, we go overboard, and beat ourselves up for our failures or let ourselves dwell in the negative.

By consciously increasing our focus on the positive, we start to even the balance. We find a happy medium where we can address failures and challenges without letting them get us down, leaving us more motivated, productive, and likely to succeed.

Try these three tips to help you train your brain to stay positive:

1. Express gratitude.Negative events loom large unless you consciously balance them out. "When you're faced with challenges, it's important to take stock of what's going well," Della Porta says. Thinking about the good in your life can help balance that bias, giving your brain the extra time it needs to register and remember a positive event.

To help your brain store positive events, reflect on what you're grateful for and why at least once a week. Write down your blessings, such as the opportunity to pursue a career you love or a family that supports you. If you prefer a daily habit, then keep a nightly log of good things that happened that day. "Just keep it very short," Della Porta says. "If you try to hammer [gratitude] home, then it becomes mundane." Day One, a journaling app for Apple devices ($4.99), or OhLife, a free email-based journal, can to help you do this.



2. Repeat positive affirmations. As any politician or advertiser knows, the more often you hear a message, the more likely you are to believe it. The same goes for messages about who you are and what you are capable of doing. By repeating positive affirmations with conviction several times each morning, you are training your brain to believe them. "Over time, you'll start to internalize them," Della Porta says. Repeat your affirmations silently if you feel self-conscious.

Choose two to three affirmations that represent your values and goals, such as 'I can handle whatever comes my way,' 'There is plenty of time,' or 'I’m getting better every day.' The repetition will influence the way you interpret negative events, making you more resilient. "Especially if you're predisposed to negative thinking, this can be extremely effective," Della Porta says.



3. Challenge negative thoughts. Each time a negative thought arises, we choose how to respond. If left to our own devices, we tend to dwell. Our brains home in on negative events so they seem much bigger and more significant than they are. To combat that, start by imagining the thought as separate from yourself, as something you can observe and deconstruct. "Get in the habit of distancing yourself instead of dwelling," Della Porta says.



Next, challenge negative thoughts that are unfairly self-deprecating. For example, if your start up doesn't get the traction you hoped, you might think, "I'm a failure." That's untrue and unproductive. Instead, practice interpreting the same event differently. You might say, I worked really hard but I didn't account for a quirk of the market, so I'm disappointed, but now I’m going to try again with new information. That interpretation is gentler, truer, and more proactive. "At first, [this strategy will] be hard and you’ll think it doesn't work," Della Porta says. "But over time, it'll become automatic and negative thoughts will be less likely to come up. No one does this naturally; you have to learn and practice."

Read more: http://www.entrepreneur.com/blog/225683#ixzz2XLKRcKIx

That leads me into the next article I found:



How to Stay Positive in Challenging Times which you can read by clicking HERE.

According to the article,

Are you having trouble staying in a positive state of mind when challenging circumstances present themselves? The universal laws state: So without, so within. Everything is a mirror. We cannot change the reflection, but we can change the original (ourselves), and then, automatically, the reflection changes.

Here are my top five keys that can help you cultivate not only a positive mindset, but also the feeling state necessary for the positive law of attraction. The more you focus on bringing awareness to accepting and loving yourself, the more your inner beauty and harmony are reflected in your outer circumstances.

1. Relax and Accept - Relax and accept the challenging situation. Don't fight it, because that will make it worse. The more relaxed you are, the more productive you are. Creativity arises out of a relaxed state. And it's creativity that you need to come up with solutions to the situation you are in. Notice that I use the word "situation" and not the word "problem." There is no such thing as a problem, only a situation. When you shift your perspective and see the situation as it is, without negative commentary, then you come up with creative solutions, and/or you find the right person to help you.


2. Watch the Mind- Make a practice of watching the thoughts of the mind with non-judgment and compassion for yourself. It is not the thoughts that are the problem, it is our identification with them that creates stress and anxiety.

For five minutes a day, sit with eyes closed, body relaxed, and observe the thoughts of the mind. You don't have to censor them, or force them to be other than they are, simply observe with non-judgment, and let them pass by.

Over time, you become less identified with the thoughts, and more connected to your creativity, wisdom and clarity.

3. Create Positive Thoughts - A powerful way to undermine the influence of negative thoughts on your wellbeing is to create a practice of saying positive thoughts to yourself. At the beginning, these might seem tedious or silly, but, believe me, it works! The easiest way to break a bad habit of self-judgment and criticism is to create positive phrases that you repeat to yourself as often as possible. Even if you don't really believe them in the beginning, say them anyway! Over time, they become a habit and the negative thoughts simply dissolve.

4. Surround Yourself With Positive People - Be alert to people who like to complain, bad-mouth others, and/or have a depressed outlook on life. Avoid them. Keep yourself in the company of positive thinking people. This is a powerful way to keep yourself in a positive energy field that will lift you rather than bring you down. Your life is not determined by outside circumstances, but rather by how you respond to those outside circumstances.

Remember that all things are possible, there is a lot going on that is unseen to you.

The more you keep yourself on a positive vibrational level, the greater your chances of having positive outcomes to challenging situations.


5. Be Grateful, Laugh, Celebrate - Be grateful for what you have. If things are really bad, be grateful for being able to breathe, get out of bed in the morning, use your legs. Be grateful for the sunrise and sunset, for the beauty of the sky, the trees, the birds and flowers. There is always something to be grateful for. Put your focus there and celebrate what you have. Laughter is a powerful attractor factor. Seek out ways to bring more laughter into your life. You will be amazed at the miracles that occur.

Meditation: Befriending the Mind

Benefits:
When you befriend the mind you are surprised how radically life can change. It becomes much easier to dis-identify from the mind's constant chattering and see yourself, and life's situations, with more clarity and objectivity. You see life's dramas with perspective and compassion, and insights and understandings arise naturally.

Directions:
Find ways to befriend your mind. The mind is our bridge from the subconscious to the conscious, our gateway of expression to the outer world. Be grateful for it. Find ways to appreciate the insights, understandings, and creativity it brings. See it not as an enemy but as a friend.

As this friendship with the mind deepens, your mind no longer disturbs you. You are not fighting it; you are simply letting it's thoughts pass by.The mind and the ego want to make it complicated, but it is not. Life sings a different tune when you are not controlled by the mind. Your natural joy, spontaneity, self-acceptance, love and compassion arise quickly and easily.

There is one other article that I think you should read and it's at Live Your Life Well. It describes tools, much like the articles I've just quoted, that could help you too. Click HERE to read it.

I know it's hard to stay positive, but look inside yourself and find one positive thing that's happened to you today. Mine was that I was able to leave the bed. It seems such a small thing but it's the little victories that make you pick yourself up to keep fighting.