Building and Maintaining Trusting Relationships with a Chronic Illness

We all have lost friends over the years. I know that some friends and I have just grown a part from not talking as much as we used to. I know that if I pick up the phone and call those people, they will gladly talk to me and update me on what they have been up to. I just do not like to talk on the phone much. I know that sounds odd. I don't mind using my phone for Instagram (www.instagram/emilysstomach), or Twitter (www.twitter.com/emilysstomach), or any kind of social media.

Speaking from my own experiences, I have lost a lot of friends that I considered great friends. This does not mean that we hate each other or that we will never speak again. These friends do things I can no longer do like go out to eat. They like to hang out and involve food in the activities they do and there is nothing wrong with that. They stopped inviting me because I had to decline due to my Gastroparesis. I do not want to get sick in a nice restaurant and then make other people sick as well. I do not get invited to movies anymore or parties because of the same reason. I have declined so many events I would love to have attended because my illness limits me.

Building trusting and lasting relationships with other people, especially when you are healthy, is a challenge. Now, imagine that you have a chronic invisible illness and trying to build a relationship with someone. That seems like the ultimate game of paper football, doesn't it? In this technically advanced world, it has become easier to friend people and talk about things without leaving the house, which is amazing in itself, but it is super helpful to people like myself, who cannot leave the house due to nausea and vomiting. My Gastroparesis limits me harshly. I have started support groups online and I have joined other support groups online to reach out to people who have the same sort of illness, in order to vent, ask questions, and try to cope with the fact that the part of my life where I was able to go out at the drop of a hat to dinner at a restaurant or a movie, is gone. It's a hard adjustment to make. So, how do you befriend people and make lasting, great relationships, when all you can do is type back and forth on your computer screen and hope? How do you know who is on the other end of the computer? Is it a real person like you, who wants to make a lasting friendship, or is it a scammer? How do you trust others online, especially this day and age, where identity thieves, fraudulent accounts, schemers, scammers, and criminals are all over the internet? It is hard to trust people now. There are people who thrive on drama, people who may have munchausens by proxy, and people pretending they're ill just so they can get information from you and attention. Then, there are real people who are just as sick as you are, but I don't want to say they can't be trusted, but they are unreliable due to their illness? So, how do you cope with all of that while trying to make lasting friendships?

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/222435669073654673/

Image Source: Imgur years ago





Friendships Change Over Time

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201203/how-overcome-intimacy-fears

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friendships-change-over-time-in-adulthood/411466/

Image Source is on the image itself.






How to Deal with Fading Friendships

https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Fading-Friendship








How to Handle Family Friendships

It is really important that, if you can and have this type of relationship with your family, you sit down with them and talk to them about your illness. Answer any questions they may have and if you aren't able to answer the questions, then write them down to take with you to the doctor. If it would make your relatives feel better, have them go to the doctor with you so that they can ask questions as well. It never hurts to have an extra pair of ears or someone else there with you, because they may ask something you didn't think of or forgot to ask. I love having my husband come with me to my doctor's appointments, because he questions everything, and makes sure he gets an answer and not the run around sometimes you get with a doctor's office. Also, I have some resources I have put together to help your family and friends understand Gastroparesis and what it is. You can click here: http://www.emilysstomach.com/2017/11/information-to-help-newly-diagnosed-and.html







Cutting Toxic People Out of Your Life: From Friends to Family

SOurce: https://www.davidwolfe.com/5-ways-deal-toxic-family-members/




Here are some links below to read on how to deal with toxic family members and  toxic friends about your illness:

https://www.davidwolfe.com/5-ways-deal-toxic-family-members/


https://www.lifeadvancer.com/toxic-family-members-recognition


https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/why-its-okay-cut-toxic-family-members-out-your-life


https://steptohealth.com/defend-toxic-family-members/


https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/signs-time-cut-toxic-family-ties/story?id=27278012


https://www.thepragmaticparent.com/letting-go-of-toxic-people/


http://www.ilanelanzen.com/familyandparenting/10-signs-you-have-toxic-family-members-and-3-things-you-can-do-about-it/


https://strjfamily.blogspot.com/2012/10/interesting-reading-terminating-toxic.html?showComment=1522936151727#c9219696738218492800


https://au.reachout.com/articles/dealing-with-a-toxic-friendship

https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-call-a-helpline



https://www.webmd.com/women/features/toxic-friends-less-friend-more-foe#1

https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/toxic-friendships-accepting-forgiving-and-moving-on/




Find Ways to Socialize with Friends to Maintain Your Friendships

I wrote an article recently because someone asked me how I was able to socialize since I'm sick all of the time and vomit constantly. I do talk on the phone, though I despise taking. I would much rather text or even do a video chat. Anyway, if you are in the same situation and looking for ideas to help you, please check out my article by clicking here:

\http://www.emilysstomach.com/2018/04/socializing-with-invisible-illness.html

To the Loved Ones of a Person Living With Chronic Pain

This is from an article I found online that I wanted to save. It's from http://themighty.com/2016/01/to-the-loved-ones-of-a-person-living-with-chronic-pain/. I wanted to put it in my blog so that I could come back later and refer to it and find it if I needed to. I like having things in one place so it's easier for me to find it. This is a great article and I wanted to save it in order to share it with others. The writer put down exactly how I felt and this article really spoke to me. I hope it will speak to you, too.


And it reads,

"I’m not sure if chronic pain is isolating in and of itself, but it’s often the lack of understanding that (at least for me) makes me feel alone sometimes. Sometimes the lack of empathy is more unbearable than the pain itself, like you’re living in a state that is so entirely foreign and inconceivable to most people — and that is what makes it alienating.

Good portions of my day are usually spent being guilt-tripped by friends that I haven’t seen them, haven’t FaceTimed them, never call, never text, etc. Before I always felt the need to apologize and explain myself, but most of the time now, I am so sick of constantly having to explain myself. People don’t realize the fear — the fear of being judged, the fear of not being understood, the fear of feeling vulnerable. That fear strengthened my relationships with close friends and loosened my ties with acquaintances.

In my worst pain, all I wanted was to be distracted. I wasn’t capable mentally and physically of contributing to conversations, and constantly explaining to friends and family what my pain is like, the current updates on my health and hearing the (mostly) senseless feedback was unbearable. (Keep in mind, for most of my grueling experience with pain, I had gained weight I am slowly losing, and compared to what I used to look like, I generally feel like I let myself go. My hair and make up is never done. I dress for comfort now mostly.) Sometimes I avoided people entirely because as nice as it is sometimes to be asked how you’re doing, it can also be a pain if you’re being asked 15 times in a row. I already do this with doctors almost every day.

Some people have taken it personally that I haven’t tried to “rekindle” relationships with them. The best response I have to this is that it is nothing personal. I am generally so overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and am so exhausted that old friends unfortunately get passed to the wayside so I can maintain the friendships for the friends who aren’t just “checking in” but calling me every day. To me, the people who loved me at my darkest are the ones I prioritize.

Here are several things I believe need to be known:

In general, I would rather hear about you. Your day, your funny experiences, etc. than talking about my health problems. I generally feel uncomfortable having to explain myself, and for some people, it’s just too damn sad, so at the risk of making it uncomfortable, let’s keep it about you. Or just send me funny things. I always appreciate it. No one understands how boring this gets sometimes. I generally try to “shield” people from how bad my pain really is.

If I cancel plans last minute, it’s never because I don’t feel like coming. I am in my house, doctor’s offices or volunteering for a good percent of my day, so if I can handle it, I always want to go out. Some people are good about this and some obviously aren’t. I’ve just decided I can’t feel bad about making decisions that may affect other people. I’m responsible for myself and need to take accountability for my actions. No one understands my body like I do, so I have to make judgment calls…whether it upsets other people or not.

I try to explain to people that my days sometimes feel like a sh*tty, charged iPhone. I have limits. There is only so much I can do every before my battery dies and everything takes some battery life. Especially those moments when you think you have 10 percent left and all of sudden you’re at 2 percent. Sometimes this becomes an anxious social situation. Situations where I am out with friends and I haven’t driven — I have no control. If I need to go home but can’t, I panic. I avoid these situations as much as possible.

Having a “good day” doesn’t mean I’m better; it just means I’m having a good day. And even if I’m smiling and looking like I’m having a great time, there’s a good chance I’m screaming internally. If I need to leave right at the end of a dinner or cut things off early, again, it has nothing to do with you.

When I say that I can’t be cured or that I’ll never be healthy, I’m not trying to be negative. My life is not CrossFit. I have boundaries and limitations. This is my reality and I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve accepted it. I hope others do, too.

Don’t be offended if I forget things you’ve told me. When my pain is bad, my memory can be extremely foggy and my short-term recall is really bad. Most people refer to it as “fibro fog,” and it’s a real thing. Google it.

I don’t want to be known as “the girl with pain.” I want to be normal and treated like everyone else. I still want to be invited to things. I hate to play the pain card and truly feel happiest when I’m in a “normal” setting.

Just because you see me posting online doesn’t mean I’m feeling better. Sometimes I am in a ton of pain but my choices boil down to sitting and crying or distracting myself.

I always try to be in a good, positive mood, but sometimes when you’re running on no sleep with lots of pain, it compromises your mood. Sometimes I just don’t want to do anything with anyone. Or talk to anyone. I need my alone time.

Small, thoughtful gestures mean the world to me. Actions always speak louder than words.

Dealing with chronic pain drains me every day. People who have known me forever have known me as an extrovert, but that is changing.

Even if I’m having a bad day or a lot of pain, your problems are still valid to me. Never think that because my problems seem more serious that I don’t want to listen to yours. I never purposefully try and make it a competition.

I still struggle with figuring out what I need from my friends and family sometimes. I hope people understand that I never intentionally try to discuss my health for pity, sympathy or attention. I wish people could understand that dealing with this is just a big part of my life, whether I want it to be or not. I try really hard to help people that are dealing with the same problems. I don’t want to be pitied, babied, fawned over or put on a pedestal. And certainly not be to looked down upon or judged.

It’s when people are uncomfortable with me that I become uncomfortable with myself. But I am comfortable with myself, and I own who I am.

Follow this journey on Slightly Distressed Damsel.

The Mighty is asking the following: Write a letter to anyone you wish had a better understanding of your experience with disability, disease or mental illness. If you’d like to participate, please send a blog post to community@themighty.com. Please include a photo for the piece, a photo of yourself and 1-2 sentence bio. Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

Lead photo source: Thinkstock Images"

It's Not Easy Being Green: Hold On or Let Go?

This is from the blog of one of my former friends and the creator of the Green's Not Easy Page on Facebook; She started writing a blog based on her experiences and I would like to reblog this because it's a great article on how relationships change when you have an invisible illness. Please click on the link below to read her blog entry:

It's Not Easy Being Green: Hold On or Let Go?: One of the largest struggles I’ve had to overcome since I’ve been sick is how to deal with social situations.


If you have gastroparesis and you're looking for a support group, please click to join the Gastroparesis Support Group on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/groups/StrongerthanGP/