Sometimes I Just Want to Give Up

Today has been really challenging and it was a bucket kind of day. I was vomiting all day today to the point where my throat is burnt, worse than before. I started running a fever today and I feel all achy, kind of like you get before you get the flu. I had a flu shot. If this is a stomach virus, I will curl up into a ball and sob. I can't handle being back in the hospital right now. My stomach keeps spasming and I have a pain in my upper left side. It almost feels like I've been sucker punched. It's like one huge knot in my stomach that won't uncurl.

My doctor is still working on my referral to the Mayo Clinic. I hope something is done for this soon. It's hard to keep my anti-nausea medications down. I want to finish college and I don't want to travel with a bucket anymore. I can't be around certain friends because if I start vomiting, they will too. I feel like I'm left out of almost everything because of my illness. I'm being ignored by friends. No one comes over to my house anymore to keep me company because it's not close to MARTA (the public transportation here). It's just depressing to be shunned, even though that's not their intention. But, still, it hurts.

I'm trying to hang on to the positive but it seems like the negative keeps out weighing it. This is just a lonely road. People keep telling me I'm strong but I don't feel strong. I miss being social and I miss my friends. I've made some really great ones on the Gastroparesis community page on Facebook. They've given me some great advice. It's just hard to stay optimistic all of the time when you're always bent over the toilet or a bucket.

I guess I'm just full of self pity tonight. I loved when people came over to hang out with me, it would distract me. I really could use the distraction.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling so sick and I'm so frustrated by being so sick and not being able to do the things I love to do. I wish I could just get rid of the pain and constant vomiting ... but the sad thing is, I know people have this worse than I do. That makes me feels selfish that I'm whining so much.

Isolation & Sadness

I managed to sleep most of the day. I feel exhausted and lethargic. I was able to keep some of my anti-nausea medications down, at least.

G-Pact has a lot of great information about my disease that you can read about. You should read the information listed there to understand what I'm dealing with and going through.

I have to take things day by day.

This illness can be a very isolating one.

This illness can affect one's quality of life because of the depression and isolation that comes with it. It is also frustrating as well that it can be hard to predict what I can do from day to day. I know I have had days when even what is usually the safest for me still aggravates my digestive system. I can't tell you how guilty I feel for not being able to do things or even go to a movie with my friends. I really want to, but I'm not physically able. My heart is in the right place, but making me feel worse about it doesn't help. Trust me, I guilt trip myself enough without any help.

There can be a fear of the unknown. Unfortunately sometimes this fear can lead to my friends getting hurt by assumptions or misunderstandings. Maybe I should offer to let them come to the doctor with me so that they can hear the things I'm actually dealing with.

My whole world shrinks because I become more limited in what I can do. I need to have gatherings at my place right now if my friends want to hang out because car rides make me sicker and I have to ride around with a bucket. I'm just not sure how to address the problem. I want to feel better but the thought alone isn't going to magically fix my stomach paralysis.

I meet with the doctor on Wednesday. I hope he'll be able to give me by biopsy results and help me figure out the next step to take.