Another Sleepless Night & Another New Symptom

I am so exhausted.

I can't sleep and all I can do is to curl up in a ball and whimper. The pain hurts. It's one huge spasm after another and the vomiting makes the pain worse. I'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my back vomiting this last time.

My fraternity's local alumni association had a holiday get together today. My husband is deeply involved in this organization and he's been here to support me, so I wanted to be there today to support him. The holiday get together was at a local soul food restaurant. Now, just the smell or image of food had me gagging this week, but I was determined that I was going to get through this lunch. I felt like I was marching to an execution and praying I didn't get sick at the restaurant. I took all of my medicine before I got into the car which includes Bentyl, Levsin, Zofran, Phenergan, Zanaflex, and my vitamins I've started taking. I added a multivitamin to the mix along with Vitamin B, because that was recommended to help my new symptoms of confusion. I've also been trying to add more potassium to my "diet."

I was quite proud of myself. I didn't get sick in the car and when I walked into the restaurant, the smell didn't knock me out like I thought it was going to. I managed to make myself eat a teaspoonful of dressing, two teaspoonsful of lima beans, and a few bites of banana pudding. After that, I was full. Also, a new symptom developed. Right after I ate, my belly started to swell. It looked like I was pregnant or that I had a balloon under my shirt. It was very uncomfortable and full of cramps. I actually had to change my pants later because they were too tight after I ate.

I managed to last the entire lunch without vomiting several times. I had to leave and get some air towards the end of lunch because the smells were making me extremely nauseated.

After getting into the car, the nausea became worse. Nothing helped. Not looking outside, not counting trees, not trying to relax, nothing. My stomach felt like someone was banging on it with a hammer. It was this intense, throbbing, sharp pain. It continued to do this until I got home. The spasms started happening and then I started vomiting. At least I had something in my stomach to vomit up, so it wasn't just stomach acid. My throat is still rather swollen from previous vomiting and it probably sounds and looks like I have strep throat.

I was up all last night vomiting and now I've been up all tonight vomiting. One of my friends said something, probably not meaning to be offensive but it came out that way, and I finally just broke down and cried. I sat there and cried for a good two hours. My wonderful husband, who lost his father this week, sat there and held me while I cried. He didn't ask what was wrong, he just stroked my hair. I felt so guilty because I feel like I should be comforting him, you know?

After crying, I vomited again. At this point, I left my bedroom to come upstairs to watch TV. I don't want to wake my husband up and my stomach isn't going to let me sleep anytime soon.

I managed to read all of, Gastroparesis: My Personal Journey and realized that I have the same symptoms. This isn't in my head. I can't tell you how many doctors have told me that the sickness is in my head and nothing more. I've had several friends remark about how strong I am but I don't feel strong. Then, I read something like this book and what this woman went through and it motivates me to be an advocate for myself.

I'm going to stick with facts and what I do know. I know that I vomit 6 to 8 times a day. I know that I'm dehydrated. I know that I'm still technically overweight but I've lost about 25 pounds since I was diagnosed. I've dropped a bra size and pants size. I can put two photos of me side by side from this year and last year and you can see that my face has thinned out considerably. I know that I look sick and that my skin is a weird pasty color. I know that if I make myself eat, even small and frequent meals (liquids), I will vomit.

I know that I can't leave the house without a a bucket of some sort to vomit in. I know that I have a year of college left and I'm not sure how I'm going to go to labs. I know my GI doctor doesn't know what to do for me at this point so he's referring me to the Mayo clinic. I know that I have mental confusion, depression, and my stomach becomes really swollen if I do manage to eat something. It doesn't matter what I eat, it all comes up. Liquids, solids, gluten free, gluten, etc. I've tried all of the different diets. I know that I'm scared (and I have a suspicion that I have an autoimmune disease at the heart of this problem - but I don't know what I've been tested for).

I also know that I am determined. I know that other GP fighters suffer worse than I do. I know I have loving family and friends who support me, even when I post six million times a day on Facebook to keep myself distracted. I appreciate all of the help my husband has given me and his support. Without him, I'm not sure I could do this. I know that I've found a wonderful support group online that has helped me so much with venting and answering most of my gastroparesis questions. Also, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one.

I know that I'm going to keep fighting.

Bitterness

*Please don't take offense to what I have written below. I'm not targeting anyone or anything - just writing down my own personal feelings at the moment. Please don't be angry or think I'm talking about anyone/anything in particular. Just getting out some feelings.*

Bitterness. That about sums up my mood for the Summer. I know that this entry is going to sound selfish but I need to get it out there.

I'm just tired. I feel like I haven't had a break. All of my friends are gone for the Summer - off visiting family, trips to the beach, and having fun. I'm stuck here trying to work on things and that's difficult when I'm vomiting six to eight times a day. Just picture yourself having food poisoning 24/7 and being nauseated all day, it's almost like that. I sat in the bathroom and cried for an hour tonight - just because I was in so much pain emotionally and physically. =(

I'm just insanely jealous. Where's my vacation and my trip to the beach? I spent my 10 year dating anniversary with my husband in the hospital. It just makes me incredibly depressed. I get stuck doing work because I'm home and I'm not going anywhere. It's not that I don't mind doing work or anything like that but I want to go to the beach with my husband for a week and block out school completely.

I sometimes feel like I'm taken advantage of because people know I'm always home. It's why I've been off of the grid for the past three days. It's not that I mind helping or anything like that - I feel like it's just not fair. I know that life isn't fair, but damn. I know that feeling is unfounded, but it's in the back of my mind - chipping away. It makes me even more sad.

I am tired of going to the doctor and traveling with a bucket. Monday is my psych evaluation to make sure that I have the right mental facilities for the permanent implant trial. The leads will be placed inside of my epidural fluid and the wires will come out of my back into a pager sized battery. I will wear it for 5 to 7 days and I will be unable to take a shower with the device in as well as to be unable to move certain ways. I hope it works for my knee.

Also, I'm trying to get the endometrosis in check. There is a special pharmacy that the Lupron is coming from. They will talk to my insurance to get my insurance to cover it and then the doctor will administer the injection. I will have two over the course of the six months. If I don't notice an immediate change, they're going to go in surgically and clean the endometrosis.

I haven't heard back from the Motility Specialist about whether or not the Smart Pill is covered. I should probably call her on Monday and make sure she hasn't forgotten about me. She wants to confirm that I have gastroparesis. I want to throw up on her shoes. I don't like her very much.

Anyway, I'm at home, wallowing in self pity and loathing because I can't do anything other than work or play on my computer. That gets old after a while. I've been reading on my Kindle a lot. It's nice to escape into someone else's world for a while.

I'm exhausted right now and it's only 8pm. I haven't done anything today besides read and watch a movie on TV. My husband and roommate went to see the new Batman movie. I hope that my stomach will stay under control so that I can watch it too. Right now, I'm nauseated and my stomach is swollen and bloated. I have intense amounts of pain from the spasms coming from my stomach muscles. My diaphragm is sore from vomiting violently. My throat is swollen and burnt from the stomach acid that I can barely swallow pills. I've had two pills get stuck in the back of my throat today.

I just want to go back to sleep. When I sleep, there's no sickness. It's peaceful - except for the nightmares.