Ultrasound Today - Update on my Personal Struggle

I went to Emory for an ultrasound today at the bequest of my Doctor, for my liver. My liver enzymes have been quite high over the past two years now, and no one has discovered why. When I was first diagnosed with Gastroparesis, the theory was that it was because of stones in my liver. They went in and relaxed my sphincter that doles out bile from my liver, removing a "gravely type sludge," as my doctor put it, from where my gallbladder used to be. The Doctor at Emory told me that with Gastroparesis, there should be no pain. Every time a doctor tells me that, I want to laugh in their face and correct them. Tell them that if they had Gastroparesis, they'd feel differently. Everyone I've talked to that has been diagnosed, even with mild Gastroparesis, has dealt with some sort of pain.

So, a good friend and fraternity brother of mine, picked me up and took me to Emory. I was led into the room with the ultrasound machine. I laid down on the table and lifted up my shirt for the procedure. I was happy to say that there were butterflies painted on the ceiling tiles so that I actually had something to focus on. The lab tech started and pressed the probe down on such tender parts that had been giving me such pain. I bit my lip and squeezed my friend's hand because it hurt so much. I had an emesis bag, just in case I needed it.

I looked away because it hurt too much. My friend said the lab tech was making awful faces and she had a feeling that they found something wrong. Of course, the lab techs won't tell you anything - it's a liability factor. She had me turn to my side and looked at my kidneys as well. Then, we were done. The procedure probably took half an hour of thorough investigating with a very painful probe. Ultrasounds normally aren't painful, but I've been experiencing pain in my upper right side. I didn't start retching until we were in the car. Anytime a doctor or someone presses on my upper right side and my stomach - I vomit. Thankfully, it waited until I was home. I fell over on the toilet and vomited up what I tried to eat for lunch today - considering I haven't eaten in a while. I was thankful I had something to vomit up besides bile. I realize how bad that sounds but I've been throwing up nothing but bile for days, my throat welcomed some relief.

I've been coughing a lot because my throat is irritated from vomiting. The doctor will receive my ultrasound report in a few days and call me with the results. I'm nervous because my liver enzymes are high and I don't know what that means. I've never been so nervous. Will I have to have more surgery? Will someone take me seriously? I need some help. What I'm doing right now is not living - it's awful.

The only solace in the past few days have been my husband, who is a wonderful and caring man, and reading outside in the sunshine.

I am anxiously awaiting the results and to wonder where to go from here.

In the meantime, I've made an appointment with a psychologist because I am determined to prove to these doctors that the anxiety didn't get worse until after I had Gastroparesis. The doctor I saw before, not at Emory, at Mayo, told me that this was all in my head an all anxiety related. I want a doctor to evaluate that and tell me that it's not true. I just need someone to listen to me. I can't make up vomiting or pain like this. It's immobilizing. My friends and family see me suffer and I barely recognize my own reflection in the mirror because of my hallowed out, pale face, and the dark circles under my eyes. I think it will be good to have someone to speak with anyway, but I want someone to validate me and say that my GP is legitimate and that it's not caused by anxiety. That made me angry more than anything when the Mayo doctor told me that. I think he only did so because he correctly assumed that I'd be a complicated case, and he didn't want to deal with me personally.

I'm keeping track of my symptoms in a written journal, along with how I feel. A GP friend of mine told me about an app available called MySymptom Tracker. It's $3 in the Google Play store but worth it. So, I track my vomiting, medications, mood, etc on my phone as well. You can download it and bring it in with you to your doctor, which I find useful. I document everything. It's a good habit to have.

I feel like I'm preparing for battle. I'm going to fight to be healthy again.

Another Sleepless Night & Another New Symptom

I am so exhausted.

I can't sleep and all I can do is to curl up in a ball and whimper. The pain hurts. It's one huge spasm after another and the vomiting makes the pain worse. I'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my back vomiting this last time.

My fraternity's local alumni association had a holiday get together today. My husband is deeply involved in this organization and he's been here to support me, so I wanted to be there today to support him. The holiday get together was at a local soul food restaurant. Now, just the smell or image of food had me gagging this week, but I was determined that I was going to get through this lunch. I felt like I was marching to an execution and praying I didn't get sick at the restaurant. I took all of my medicine before I got into the car which includes Bentyl, Levsin, Zofran, Phenergan, Zanaflex, and my vitamins I've started taking. I added a multivitamin to the mix along with Vitamin B, because that was recommended to help my new symptoms of confusion. I've also been trying to add more potassium to my "diet."

I was quite proud of myself. I didn't get sick in the car and when I walked into the restaurant, the smell didn't knock me out like I thought it was going to. I managed to make myself eat a teaspoonful of dressing, two teaspoonsful of lima beans, and a few bites of banana pudding. After that, I was full. Also, a new symptom developed. Right after I ate, my belly started to swell. It looked like I was pregnant or that I had a balloon under my shirt. It was very uncomfortable and full of cramps. I actually had to change my pants later because they were too tight after I ate.

I managed to last the entire lunch without vomiting several times. I had to leave and get some air towards the end of lunch because the smells were making me extremely nauseated.

After getting into the car, the nausea became worse. Nothing helped. Not looking outside, not counting trees, not trying to relax, nothing. My stomach felt like someone was banging on it with a hammer. It was this intense, throbbing, sharp pain. It continued to do this until I got home. The spasms started happening and then I started vomiting. At least I had something in my stomach to vomit up, so it wasn't just stomach acid. My throat is still rather swollen from previous vomiting and it probably sounds and looks like I have strep throat.

I was up all last night vomiting and now I've been up all tonight vomiting. One of my friends said something, probably not meaning to be offensive but it came out that way, and I finally just broke down and cried. I sat there and cried for a good two hours. My wonderful husband, who lost his father this week, sat there and held me while I cried. He didn't ask what was wrong, he just stroked my hair. I felt so guilty because I feel like I should be comforting him, you know?

After crying, I vomited again. At this point, I left my bedroom to come upstairs to watch TV. I don't want to wake my husband up and my stomach isn't going to let me sleep anytime soon.

I managed to read all of, Gastroparesis: My Personal Journey and realized that I have the same symptoms. This isn't in my head. I can't tell you how many doctors have told me that the sickness is in my head and nothing more. I've had several friends remark about how strong I am but I don't feel strong. Then, I read something like this book and what this woman went through and it motivates me to be an advocate for myself.

I'm going to stick with facts and what I do know. I know that I vomit 6 to 8 times a day. I know that I'm dehydrated. I know that I'm still technically overweight but I've lost about 25 pounds since I was diagnosed. I've dropped a bra size and pants size. I can put two photos of me side by side from this year and last year and you can see that my face has thinned out considerably. I know that I look sick and that my skin is a weird pasty color. I know that if I make myself eat, even small and frequent meals (liquids), I will vomit.

I know that I can't leave the house without a a bucket of some sort to vomit in. I know that I have a year of college left and I'm not sure how I'm going to go to labs. I know my GI doctor doesn't know what to do for me at this point so he's referring me to the Mayo clinic. I know that I have mental confusion, depression, and my stomach becomes really swollen if I do manage to eat something. It doesn't matter what I eat, it all comes up. Liquids, solids, gluten free, gluten, etc. I've tried all of the different diets. I know that I'm scared (and I have a suspicion that I have an autoimmune disease at the heart of this problem - but I don't know what I've been tested for).

I also know that I am determined. I know that other GP fighters suffer worse than I do. I know I have loving family and friends who support me, even when I post six million times a day on Facebook to keep myself distracted. I appreciate all of the help my husband has given me and his support. Without him, I'm not sure I could do this. I know that I've found a wonderful support group online that has helped me so much with venting and answering most of my gastroparesis questions. Also, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one.

I know that I'm going to keep fighting.

My Weird Symptoms Today

Today, I'm feeling a bit off. I was up almost all night vomiting again and my throat is really swollen from vomiting. I can't even swallow a cracker, so my husband gave me a bottle of sore throat spray so that I could at least try some yogurt. It's somewhat hard to swallow now but at least I'm able to talk.

My symptoms today are unusual and I wonder if it's because I haven't been sleeping or the lack of food. I woke up from a short nightmare to a panic attack. I talked myself down out of it and tried to control my breathing. I felt like I was drowning. There was so much pressure on my chest.

When that was over, I felt extremely nauseated. It's always worse in the mornings but this was worse than I've felt in a long time. It is almost like the vomit is stuck in the middle of my throat, burning it more. It's not coming up and it's not going down. Eventually, I swallow it down. But, even with the Zofran and Phenergan, I'm still really, REALLY nauseous.

My skin has also been clammy and sweaty today and I keep sweating. I've had to change my shirt twice. It's a cold sweat though, so when I take a shower and get out, I'm still cold. Also, I'm running a low fever (that goes away with Tylenol or Ibuprofen) and I ache everywhere, mostly to the left of my right shoulder blade. I guess I may have jerked wrong during my nightmare... but I'm not sure. I guess it's possible that I could have pulled a muscle vomiting, too.

I also have confusion and loss of time, which I've had in the past, the night before my first 8 day hospital admission. The confusion part bothers me. I don't remember doing certain things and I get distracted a lot easier than I used to, and I get confused easily. It makes me feel stupid. I also do things that I know better than doing but do it anyway and then forget about it, like posting stupid things on Facebook. It's strange. I know that's probably not a symptom but I thought it was urgent enough to be mentioned.

Additionally, I lose track of days and track of time. I had to buy a pill box with the times on it so that I wouldn't double dose on medication, trying to remember if I took it or not.

I have absolutely no appetite today, whatsoever. The image of food makes me ill but I know I need to eat something. I have to make myself eat, which is the hard part. The last three days, I've eaten smaller meals (usually yogurt) five to six times a day. It's really, really hard to eat so frequently but I am trying to make an effort. Also, I've started walking after eating. I want to feel better but I just feel so miserable right now.

My fraternity brothers are coming over tonight to watch a movie with me and keep me company. I really could use the distraction. It's been a long week and the week still isn't over. We're going to either watch a sci fi/ fantasy movie, or a comedy, or both. We haven't decided yet.